did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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