I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
