Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
