I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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