what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
