I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
