literally had 100 drinks last night.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize