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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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