i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
