does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
