Life is so much better after having sex.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
