Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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