You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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