theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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