just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
