Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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