I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
