What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
