Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
