I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
