I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
