my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Randomize
