at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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