that's an acceptable place to lick
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
