I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
