Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize