you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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