I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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