I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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