I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
