pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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