just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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