wanna go halves on a baby?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
