i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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