so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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