just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
