I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
