Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
