shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
