I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
