I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
