That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
