yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
