I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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