Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
