Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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