The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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