Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
