the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
