u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
