I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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