cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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