i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
