He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
