I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
