she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
