i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
