so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
