Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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