OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
