So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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